During the Holidays, many of us migrate back to our place of origin, and enjoy the company of family and friends that we have not seen since last year. Often we have an encounter with a person we have not seen since high school that ensues in conversation about details that we will forget 5 minutes later. In reality we are comparing each other's lives to one another, in hopes that we come out on top. After the conversation I find a way to work it in my head , that my life has in fact turned out better than theirs, and how I'll show that off at my 10 year reunion.
I have had a pretty successful life since High School. 5 years of my life was spent figuring out what I wanted to do, graduating from the University of Colorado, and finding a job at NEON as a recruiter making pretty OK money for a recent grad. The other two years have been spent being married to Emily and creating a family that can't be matched. At 25 I have accomplished what I thought would take me until at least 30.
However, I am an adamant Facebook stalker, often surfing through the photos of former classmates and friends; much like the ones I have encounters with when I visit my hometown of Fort Collins, CO. Sometimes I find myself jealous of the life they are leading. Whether it be the well traveled philanthropist, who seems to always have a picture of them self with a new third world orphan every week, or the free living friend who is still posting pictures of themselves "partying" like nothing could be more exciting than 50 cent drink night at Tony's downtown (Fort Collins reference, don't go there, it's a crap hole). These images lead me down a road that is both useless, at least without a Delorean & Doc Brown, and quite frankly unhealthy.
Below is a list of questions I have thought at one point or another since High School:
- I wish I would have risked more in HS, drank, smoked, done drugs, stayed out past curfew etc...
- What would have happened if I would have dated that girl?
- I should have acted THAT way so that I would have been cooler.
- I shouldn't have spent so much time with those church kids, I would have had more fun with the drinking guy I mentioned above.
- Man, life was so much more simple in HS. It was a great time in my life and I didn't do enough with it.
- Why didn't I spend more time developing a career that would allow me to do the things that I love to do?!!
- I can't wait until THAT new opportunity comes out of nowhere and pays me way too much money, to do a really easy job, that makes a huge difference, that people will be jealous of, that will garner loads of respect, and make every day a joy to go do my work.
- Maybe a magical shower of money will rain down from the sky and pay all of my debts, and then my family will be financially secure, and I won't be the only person on the planet without an iPhone.
- I'm going to write that song, or a book soon that will instantly be good, despite my years of ignoring any of those gifts.
As you can see my list progresses from everything that I might have changed in the past to things that I want to happen in the future. Nostalgia exists not just in the thoughts of our past, but also in how great things are going to be in the future. The problem with this, is that NONE OF THIS HAPPENED OR IS EVER GOING TO HAPPEN!! So my daydreaming bubble is bursts and I'm left realizing the unexcitement and failures of my current life. Reality is only cold and hard if that's what you want it to be. But my reality doesn't exist in the shortcomings of my life, but rather what I have and where I am going. Here's what is real, and what my life is all about.
This was me in High School...lesson learned? I WASN'T COOL!! That girl I should have dated, or those kids I wanted to hang out with couldn't have cared less about me. Instead I hung out with kids who did.
In fact, I am pretty damn lucky to have gotten this girl...
Often we find ourselves being able to perfect our past and future by dreaming about how perfect things are without the decisions that got us here. In all honesty, nothing can compare to the life that I have now, and the places I am going. Someday I will have a job doing the things I love, and it WILL make a difference, but I'm working toward that now, and what I'm doing right now definitely matters. So here's to the New Year, and making this life that much better.
Ah! I cried. You are so insightufl. And so talented. I'm also sure that if you took the time to write that book, it would be an instant classic. Love you!
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